The magnet

If you have read my previous blog about the Oshawa Court clientele, you will fully appreciate the following story....

I performed an normal task today. I went grocery shopping. Nothing exciting, just a quick trip into Price Chopper for some dinner fixins. Upon completion I boxed up my goods, and carried them to the car.

Sounds normal, right? That's what I thought, too. So while I held the box in place against my car, and dug around in my purse for my car keys, I heard it: "Nice piece of ass".

I do not have a nice piece of ass. But despite this I was compelled to see what kind of moron would make a comment like that when I knew I was the only one around. I looked up from my purse, and there he was in all his glory.

The sun was shining off his dirty blond mullet. No, really, it was blond AND dirty. The mullet formed little ringlets down his back, which was encased in a blue/grey flannel shirt. Poor soul! He couldn't afford to buy the one with the buttons because his ample belly was hanging over what I assumed was a waistband on his strategically torn jeans. His mancans were bouncing along in rhythm with his strut. It was not a pretty site.

I can only guess that he mistook my look of horror for a come-hither look. So he flashed me his winning smile. Yes, surprisingly enough there were teeth. The looked as if they belonged to a 100 yr old corpse, but they were all his.

I jumped in my car, and unfortunately missed him as I backed up quickly.

So I head toward the exit of the parking lot. And then it happens again. This time, however, it was deceiving. You have to be very astute to live in Oshawa....because things are not always what they seem.

A 30ish fellow was walking in front of my car. He was nicely groomed, with short hair, clean jeans, and a lime green shirt with white orchids on it.

I slowed down so as not to scare him, when he noticed my car. He moved to the left, I moved to the right. But then he moved to the right, and I had to stop again. He moved out of my way again, then stepped in front of my car at the last minute. What was wrong with this guy?

Then he starts smiling and waving. I look closely thinking that perhaps I know him, but I don't recognize him. Nope, he's a stranger.

So I give him the "Get the hell out of my way" look, and he moves, just to step in front of me and wave again. And that was when I saw it.

His eyes. They were a beautiful blue, and had a certain glow to them. You know the one....the one that a psychotic sexual predator has just before he kills his victim, the one that Osama Bin Laden had, the one..well, you get the picture.

I weaved around him, only to have him catch up and step out onto the street as I was pulling out of the parking lot. Freak! Luckily he jumped before I hit him, and I booked it home.

Apparently I am a freak magnet today, and intend on staying in the house the rest of the day.

The 3 hour tour

I have decided that I am Gilligan. Although I am the wrong sex, we do dress similarly, and we both have the habit of doing stupid things. In my books, that is a close enough match.

I wanted to go for a walk on the weekend. It was a beautiful sunny day on Sunday, and I thought I would go to the sanctuary in Oshawa and take some pictures of birds, flowers, etc. Dale offered to come with me, so it was the best case scenario.

So off we went, coffees in hand. We followed the marked paths for a bit, but that was dull. Where's the adventure if you know whats coming? And so we strayed.

There were birds everywhere, plants and flowers in bloom, so I was happy as a pig in you-know-what. And Dale was a great help in pointing out things of interest that he thought I might like.

In the distance we could see the lake, and thought it would be great to head up that way and wander the beach. The noise of the water was remarkable due to the wind, and the waves were beautiful as they crashed up against the shoreline. I was in heaven.

Interestingly enough, we found a number of items on the shoreline that we couldn't account for, but which made for interesting discussion:

Multiple shotgun shells: no blood, just the shell casings.
Cloth monkey: like the one in Jenn's spaghetti sauce.
A pre-radial tire.: they don't float, and the thing was ancient. I now understand the concern to the environment.
A tampon case: Ewwww.
Single shoes: explain that to your parents, kids.
Underwear: Ewwww.

But enough of that. You get the gist of it. So anyway, along the beach we went, through swarms of bugs. They were in our hair, up our noses, in our teeth. It was gross.

And then I saw it in the distance...an old looking building. Well, that just begs exploration doesn't it? So we headed further down the beach. We came across some kids swimming!, some kids huddled around a picnic table-wonder why-, and saw the building in the near distance. It was an old log cabin, set up in Darlington Provincial Park.

Yes, Darlington Provincial Park. Somehow we had made our way from Oshawa to Courtice, and now we had to make our way back.

We decided to skirt the marsh as we knew it would eventually lead us back to our starting point, but we were getting tired. On we marched, and I must say, Dale was a really good sport about it all. I love walking, and will spend hours wandering about, but he is not all that big on it. So when we finally made our way around the marsh and found the car, I asked the dreaded question: how long have we been out here?

The answer? 3 1/2 hours...the same amount of time it took Gilligan to strand a boatload of tourists.

Needless to say we had a nice long nap after we got home.

Court House Pointers

I live in Oshawa. I know, I know, you can stop snickering any time now. But for all its negative points, there are a few positives as well.

For instance, it has a great beach. It has a huge number of Tim Horton's coffee shops. It has a great shopping centre, and no shortage of liquor stores. It has a fabulous dog park. The people are down to earth, and for the most part, very hard working. All important things when going about your daily life.

It also houses a number of court houses, a new one of which is currently being built in the downtown area.

I have had the misfortune of spending a fair bit of time over the years in the above-mentioned courthouses. Due to various misadventures, my eldest daughter keeps getting herself involved in situations which require spending time in the presence of the law.

I know I sound like a snob, but I am never disappointed when we go to court. Apparently we missed getting our handout during our first visits because we have failed to follow the prerequisites of court. These include the following:

1) Do not wear your teeth, or at least display as few as possible.
2) Ensure that you flick your tongue through the missing tooth holes frequently.
3) Wear as little as possible.
4) If you must wear clothing, please make sure you include fringes and 4 inch heels or cowboy boots. The fringes can also be part of the shoes/boots.
5) Jeans, preferably ripped, mini skirts with ultra-low scoop necked blouses, feathered earrings, lip rings, nose rings, belly button rings (must be displayed as proof of ownership).
5) Make up, and lots of it. The more the merrier, as Canada's Next Top Model might drop by, or at least a visiting circus. And maybe one of the patrons of the system will take a shine to you.
6) Hair...big, big hair. Hair that won't move in any weather condition, hair that won't droop in a monsoon, hair that is so teased and brittle it looks like it belongs on a Barbie doll.
7) Tattoo's. A must in any Oshawa courtroom. Preferable displayed on bare scalp, neck, knuckles, biceps, triceps, forearms, chest, and ankles. Got skin? Give it a tat.
8) Aforementioned tattoos must indicate the following: the names of your 16 children, the name of your top 10 boyfriends/girlfriends, homage to 'Mom", spiderwebs, black widow spiders, roses, devils, angels, garden gnomes.
9) A hearty display of your superior language skills. Nothing says "I'm innocent" like a plea peppered with the F word.
10) Don't show up. Nothing validates your man-card like having a bench warrant issued.

My case in point is this...today my daughter was at the courthouse. She was appropriately dressed, her hair nicely styled, and her makeup subdued. She was approached by a bald, scrawny, bucktoothed fellow who wanted her telephone number. But why, you ask, would such a fine specimen of manliness be in the courthouse? Uttering death threats to his previous girlfriend. My daughter accidentally gave him a number that was no longer in service...

A day in the life...

Since my surgery, I have become a lady of leisure. With little to define my days with, I have had the time to come to the following conclusions:

I did not inherit the clean gene. On any given day, I can gather enough dog fur to create a zoo. How does my dog lose so much hair without having bald patches? How do my children leave so much hair in the shower as to keep full heads of hair? Who keeps dropping bits and pieces on the floors? My kitchen floor is now lovingly referred to as "the Smorg".

I hate cooking. As such, it has become my goal to starve my family into wishing me back to work. They ate far better when I had a set routine.

I will never have long fingernails. I love digging in the dirt without gloves. I love the feel of the earth between my fingers...Ok, the occasional squished worm is less then pleasant, but overall, it is something I love doing.

Sorry Nicole, but I will never have soft feet. I love being barefoot. I have blisters on my feet from wearing my shoes without socks. I love the feeling of warm pavement underneath me. My poor heels can soon be marketed as the scrubby-thing people buy to scrub their heels with.

My husband is a gem. Despite the fact that I have all the time in the world, he is still the one who does the laundry, helps with the dishes, and the one who carts me around when I feel like going out to take some pictures. Well, I can't drive and look for things to photograph, can I?

I love my PVR.

I love my camera.

I love Craig's List. It's like a whole new world! I have been putting my junk on it, and low and behold, people are calling to come and get it! It's a miracle!

Now, all of that being said, I should be off to bed. Soon the sun will be up, and I will have to figure out another way to spend a totally self indulgent day. Maybe I could get used to this after all....

Oh, and by the way, here is how I spent today: