Court House Pointers

I live in Oshawa. I know, I know, you can stop snickering any time now. But for all its negative points, there are a few positives as well.

For instance, it has a great beach. It has a huge number of Tim Horton's coffee shops. It has a great shopping centre, and no shortage of liquor stores. It has a fabulous dog park. The people are down to earth, and for the most part, very hard working. All important things when going about your daily life.

It also houses a number of court houses, a new one of which is currently being built in the downtown area.

I have had the misfortune of spending a fair bit of time over the years in the above-mentioned courthouses. Due to various misadventures, my eldest daughter keeps getting herself involved in situations which require spending time in the presence of the law.

I know I sound like a snob, but I am never disappointed when we go to court. Apparently we missed getting our handout during our first visits because we have failed to follow the prerequisites of court. These include the following:

1) Do not wear your teeth, or at least display as few as possible.
2) Ensure that you flick your tongue through the missing tooth holes frequently.
3) Wear as little as possible.
4) If you must wear clothing, please make sure you include fringes and 4 inch heels or cowboy boots. The fringes can also be part of the shoes/boots.
5) Jeans, preferably ripped, mini skirts with ultra-low scoop necked blouses, feathered earrings, lip rings, nose rings, belly button rings (must be displayed as proof of ownership).
5) Make up, and lots of it. The more the merrier, as Canada's Next Top Model might drop by, or at least a visiting circus. And maybe one of the patrons of the system will take a shine to you.
6) Hair...big, big hair. Hair that won't move in any weather condition, hair that won't droop in a monsoon, hair that is so teased and brittle it looks like it belongs on a Barbie doll.
7) Tattoo's. A must in any Oshawa courtroom. Preferable displayed on bare scalp, neck, knuckles, biceps, triceps, forearms, chest, and ankles. Got skin? Give it a tat.
8) Aforementioned tattoos must indicate the following: the names of your 16 children, the name of your top 10 boyfriends/girlfriends, homage to 'Mom", spiderwebs, black widow spiders, roses, devils, angels, garden gnomes.
9) A hearty display of your superior language skills. Nothing says "I'm innocent" like a plea peppered with the F word.
10) Don't show up. Nothing validates your man-card like having a bench warrant issued.

My case in point is this...today my daughter was at the courthouse. She was appropriately dressed, her hair nicely styled, and her makeup subdued. She was approached by a bald, scrawny, bucktoothed fellow who wanted her telephone number. But why, you ask, would such a fine specimen of manliness be in the courthouse? Uttering death threats to his previous girlfriend. My daughter accidentally gave him a number that was no longer in service...