A nose by any other name

Nurse: What brings you in today?
Pt: I have a funny taste in my mouth.
Nurse: Is there any reason you can think of that might have caused this?
Pt: Well, I recently started nose drops. And since then I have a funny taste in my mouth.
Nurse: Well, that can happen with nose drops, they...
Pt(interrupting):I was using them, and then I noticed that the bottle said to shake gently before use. I didn't do that, and now I think I've been poisoned.
Nurse: Oh.......

Here's what I think...

So I've been mulling this issue over for a few weeks now. I've twisted and turned it in my brain, and come up with the following conclusion.

Question: Why hasn't anyone seen Tiger Woods for the past few weeks?

Answer: Scorned wife + golf club = facial trauma.

My guess is that Tiger is recovering from extensive facial reconstruction due to his wife wailing on his sorry face for his indiscretions.

Maybe he will come back from this looking like Michael Jackson? If nothing else that would certainly cure his wandering eye, 'cause we all know that regardless of the amount of money one has, at the end of the day no-on will sleep with a freak show!

I'm blushing

So, at the end of the shift, I did a quick assessment on a new patient. I gave report while my partner, Mike G, was busy charting. As we later continued to give report, he looked at me and said "Did you give head?" This was the unfortunate last name of the patient I had assessed and given report on.
So, being the witty individual I am, I said "Isn't that rather personal?"
Well, color me blush! Didn't poor Mike turn 10 different shades of red. And didn't Martin snicker to himself.
Oh, I love my job!!

Duh

Once upon a time there was a silly man. He saw a bat flying in his house and came to the ER. He was not bitten, scratched or in any way in contact with the bat.
BUT...he might have contracted H1N1. Perhaps when pigs fly, but until then....tool of the day.

Because I can

We have a tracking system at work which allows us to indicate where patients are placed for ease of locating. This system also indicates the nurse or nurses working in each area.
For fun, we have been competing to see who can come up with the wittiest name for the nurses in a given area. So far we have named each other: Miss Piggy, Captain Kirk, Deanna Troi, Bert and Ernie, Oscar and Kermit, etc....you get the jist of it.
In looking for new names to call people, I came across the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition....they are a species on Star Trek: Deep Space 9, and have much to teach us. Here are a selection of their rules:
Rule 10: Greed is eternal
Rule 31: Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother...insult something he cares about instead
Rule 40: She can touch your lobes but not your latinum
Rule 45: Expand or die
Rule 48: The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife
Rule 59 Free advice is seldom cheap
Rule 60: Keep your lies consistent
Rule 104: Faith moves mountains...of inventory
Rule 112: Never have sex with the bosses sister
Rule 113: Always have sex with the boss
Rule 141: Only fools pay retail
Rule 266: When in doubt, lie

Something to note

When using a blender, turn it off before inserting you hand.

The good thing about a new space

Our ER has recently vacated its old space and entered into the 21st century. Gone are the days of ECG machines that do not work, absent thermometers, under staffing. Gone is the Pepto-pink and bile green paint, the sub-zero temperatures, the lack of basic items such as blankets for the patients (and staff).
Now, in our new state of the art facility we have it all! We have color coded areas for ease of identification....accept for the fact that all areas have the same colored walls and drapes, so no one really knows where they are.
Now we have one thermometer for 2 Triage nurses and the Resource nurse to share.
Now we have a paging system that will only page in one area instead of the whole department. But not to worry...I found shouting "I need help" is as good as any paging system.
Now we have items stocked by...well, I don't know how they decided the system. Similar items are not grouped together, which makes for a frustrating search for that elusive piece of equipment, what ever it may be.
Now we have ARJO...the miracle cleaner (I do, however, think it should be renamed Earl). Just pop you dirty bedpans, urinals, and commode buckets into it and viola! 5 minutes later it is fresh as a daisy and ready for use by any other patient. Yup, any other patient can use that bedpan your poopy patient has just used! Yuck!
Now we have heat..well, we had it today anyway, and only after the Honeywell guy had to come in and fix the system as it was 60 degrees in the department and hypothermia was not the indicated treatment plan for any of our patients.
Now we have medications carts whose drawers are stuck open, and whose batteries have died and cannot be accessed. But that's OK. Cause who needs drugs in the Trauma room anyway?
Now we have a broadcast system that can indicate a Code Red...in the rapid ringing Evacuate mode. But don't worry, as our Security team was all over that one by paging "Disregard Evac Mode, Code Red continues". We never did find out where the fire was....but I suspect it had something to do with the Honeywell guy.
Now we can enjoy our days off as our staffing is spot on...except for the 4 OT shifts I worked in the past 2 weeks .
Yup, things are coming along nicely in the 21st century. I love our new home!